Second chances

"Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck in a place that you don't belong."

This quote has been speaking volumes to me during this journey. 

Every part of moving on is painful to some extent. Some aspects are far more painful than others. 

The best way I can explain how everything has felt over the past six months is to compare it to the scene in Titanic, when Lovejoy handcuffs Jack to the pole on the E deck and leaves the room as it slowly fills with water. As he stands there, watching the ship slowly sink from the small port hole, he knows there's nothing he can do about it. Through all of this, I have felt like Jack. Handcuffed in a room slowly filling with water, fearing that I might possibly die here. I've felt completely helpless through most of this. 

Each challenge I've faced has been like the water. At first, it was just barley passing my shoes. Then, it was up to my knees. And before I knew it, I was waist deep...

But remember when Rose shows up, and finds an axe to break Jack free?

Remember how she saves him?

Remember that unison sigh of relief everyone gave?

For a while I thought "Rose" was Tristan or someone else who was meant to save me. Someone who could swoop in and set me free from the emotions I was feeling and would rescue me before it was too late. And then I realized that I'm the only one who can save me. 

I'm the only one who can get me out of these shackles. 

I am the only person who can set me free...

It took me a long while to get here. It took months of blaming everyone and everything. It took days of being bitter and saying hateful words to finally realize what has been right in front of me all of this time. It has been hard but it has been worth every struggle. And to be quite honest, I don't think I could've figured this out about myself without being put in the position to handle these issues. 

I've never lived alone. I've always had roommates, family, or a significant other to cohabitate with. I've always had someone there when I've needed to talk or just feel another human present in my life. I never had to be this person I am now. No one ever made me.

This situation has uprooted me from my comfort zone and thrown me about 1000 miles away. I'm in uncharted territory. 

This has forced me to find solace in myself.

And I love it. 

No one can comfort me better than myself. No one knows my needs better than me.

I'm the only one who can make me happy, I am the only one who can love me unconditionally. I shouldn't have ever been putting that kind of pressure on others to fill places that only I could fill. It was selfish of me to have "placeholders" for my happiness. I have fixated on so many other things to keep from focusing on the most important player in my happiness: Me. I was content with being stuck in a place I didn't belong, feeling sad for things I didn't need to be sad about because I had a way out.  I believe it was because I was too scared to be the person I am today.

But she's not too bad. 

She's actually quite delightful.

It's astounding to think it's been half a year since I found everything out. It's been a trying time for sure and it's not over yet but I will say, everyday is easier. Everyday is so much better than the last. Things are simple without the added stress that my life would've had if I stayed stuck in a place I didn't belong. My life is very neat and clean now. The way I like it. Living alone is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. It's given me the chance to love myself and realize that this all will pass.

I am so glad for the opportunity I have been given to be this version of myself. Not many people get this chance.

Jessica 2.0, if you will.

In the end, I am so much happier which makes Harper happier. She's going to grow up with a mom who laughs and smiles, not a mom who is angry all the time. She'll learn to find the light in the darkest parts of her life. And most importantly, she'll know when to walk away when something doesn't feel right.

That is really all that matters. 

The Schmuel Song...

I'm not a huge theater buff by any means. I have about a handful of shows that I like to listen to in the car on my way to work or while I clean the house.

The Last Five Years is one of my favorites.

I know most of you know the premise of L5Y, but for those who don't, it's a show about a five year relationship(which ends in divorce) told backward and forward from both the husband and wife's point of view. Cathy tells her side of the story from the end to the beginning and Jamie tells his side from the beginning to the end. It's full of all of the struggles relationships go through and most importantly, it shows both sides of Jamie's infidelity. If you haven't seen it, there is a film version starring Anna Kendrick and Jeremy Jordan that is incredible. It's been my go-to movie for the past six months.

Knowing that, you can now understand how I can relate to this beautiful show so much.

There's a song in the show, called The Schmuel Song, that Jamie sings to Cathy that is ultimately about getting out of your own head, following your heart and doing what you want. Near the end of the song Jamie sings, "Take a breath, take a step, take a chance...take your time..."and those words have been repeating in my brain all morning.

Take a breath- I feel like I need to remember to breathe through everything that's happening. It's hard to not let things get me heated, seeing pictures of the two of them pop up on my newsfeed on Facebook, hearing their "celebrity couple name" from people(like, please...c'mon), thinking about the things he's probably saying to her and how they are the exact same things he said to me just a couple years ago. Moments like this, when I lose sight of what I can control, I need to take a breath. Step back and think about how much better this is.

Take a step- at this point, a step in any direction is positive. But the act of simply taking steps is what is difficult. Some days I still feel like I'm in this dream like haze that I'm going to wake up from. So, it makes me nervous to take a step forward, for fear I may ruin something that isn't meant to be ruined. And other days, the sheer idea of moving forward, going into an unknown territory, finding out who I am, sends my anxiety skyrocketing through the atmosphere. But I need to do it. I can't expect to be anything until I take those steps toward becoming who I am supposed to be. Again, it's a control thing. I can't control what's going to happen when I move forward and that's terrifying.

Take a chance- this is the hopeful part. Letting go of the things I can't control is taking a chance. I don't have to dive head first into the deep end but I do need to wade into deeper waters. I need to know that at some point, my feet won't be able to feel the bottom and I'll have to hold myself up and know I'll be okay. That's what taking chances is all about. Trusting that even if the outcome isn't what I want, that I'll be okay regardless. It's being aware of how much a situation could ruin you and going for it anyway.

Take your time- My best friend, Kristin, who has been there for me through all of this. This beautiful woman is everything to me. She's my voice of reason, my shoulder to cry on, my rock. She told me the other day that the beauty of this situation is I have nothing but time and I couldn't agree with her more. There is no deadline to figuring out who Jessica is, no time restraint on deciding what makes me happy and achieving that. I have nothing but time. Nothing but time to find out what I'm looking for in someone else. I don't have to dive in head first because I've got time to wade, to decide  at my own pace when I want to enter the deep end. It's my choice when to ditch these floaties. I get to take my time to grieve, to take the next step, and move on.

These words are going to become my new mantra. I will do my absolute best to live by these words everyday and even once this is over, once I'm finally out of "Klimovich", I want to continue to live by this.

Take a breath, take a step, take a chance...take your time.

Be awesome instead

"Whenever I'm sad, I stop being sad and just be awesome instead." -Barney Stinson

As ridiculous as that may sound, that has been the best advice I have found in this entire roller coaster. I know I have said it before but I swear How I Met Your Mother has the most apt life lessons to teach me. I find myself rewatching episodes every evening before I fall asleep to learn something new. 

It's easy to fall into a deep depression when your marriage ends, especially when it ends for reasons that were out of your control. It's so easy to feel sorry for yourself, it's easy to invite that dark cloud that's been looming over you to stay. It's easy to become bitter and cynical.

It's just easier.

Don't get me wrong, I can be bitter and cynical at times. I am not a perfect human by any means. I have plenty of moments. Plenty of days where it would just make me feel better to sit under my own personal rain cloud thinking, "why me?" Those moments happen. 

But in those moments, I am choosing to be awesome instead.

I ran my fourth 5k of the year this morning. I ran my first one month after discovering Tristan's affair. I was in a terrible place and sliding deeper and deeper into a sadness that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control. But instead of getting mad about it, I channeled my feelings into running. I put my mind on something I could control, my body. I turned the focus from sadness and turned it to accomplishment. And it felt awesome. I will never be able to begin to express how amazing it felt to cross the finish line after my first race. I had done something that I never thought I would ever want to or even could do. 

I finished today's race in 29:55 with a 9:37 mile pace. My personal best. 

I owe it all to everything I've been through.

People are expecting me to crack, to be completely and utterly broken over a man who showed me how little I mattered to him less than a year into our marriage. They have good reason, I'm a young girl, with a child, who wasn't sure of who I was. I don't know how to handle some of the emotions that I've been feeling, I don't know what I'm doing half of the time.

But I won't give them the satisfaction.

There are days where I want to break down. Those days come when I scroll through my phone to find a picture and stumble upon an image of when we were happy or when I am watching a movie and I start laughing and look over to see if he's laughing too, but he's not there. Those moments are hard and they make me want to crumble.

But I stand tall.

I choose to be awesome instead.

I choose to have a dance party in my pajamas, or make a list of all the things that are good in my life. I choose to look in the mirror and see the pretty things about me, to grab a ukulele and jam, to run a race and feel accomplished. I choose to put that energy into a positive place.

This thing that's happening, this is only one thing. Out of literally dozens of things that are going right, one thing ending badly is not that bad. Sure, I'm losing friendships, but are those people who really valued my friendship to begin with? Are they people I want in my life after this? Probably not. And that's okay. Truly. Because no matter what, I am going to be alright. I have people who value me, who will support me during every moment when I don't feel like being awesome. These are people who can help lift me up to see the potential of my level of awesome. And that is really something.

This journey is far from over. There will be slip ups and days that hurt. My job is to do whatever possible to turn those days around. I can do it, I've always been capable of that. I was merely choosing poorly before. That's all. 

Wait for it...

Waiting.

What a concept. 

The simple yet complex nature of this action has me amazed every day.

My impatience will be the death of me. More often than not, I'm always jumping into something, not weighing out the consequences, etc, etc, etc. But even now, in what should be the most impatient time in my life. The final countdown, if you will, to moving on with someone new. But I am perfectly content with waiting.

I say this, mainly, because I took a vow, one that doesn't really mean much anymore, but a vow nonetheless. To be faithful and honest. And if I'm being honest, that vow is what is keeping me sane. That useless vow is what is keeping my head on my shoulders. Plus, I want to start a relationship based on honesty. I want to start a relationship knowing I'm not currently bound to someone else, no matter what they've done to me. 

Above all, I want to end this marriage knowing that I was faithful 100%. 

I want to make it out with worth in myself.

The first step to self worth is not jumping into bed with the first person to make eyes at you. It's searching deep within to really find what you're, not only, looking for in a partner but what you are willing to offer to someone as well. At this moment in my life, I have very little to offer. I am in no place to give myself to anyone because I would be asking for so much with only small broken pieces to give in return. Entering a relationship at this time would be unfair to everyone involved.

Wait for it.

I feel like this may be a huge reason why Tristan and I didn't work. When we met, I had recently split from my on again, off again, boyfriend/fiancé. We were a disaster four years in the making but Tristan was a dark and broken person too. Hearing stories of what he had been through and put others through as well as the stories of my sullied past, it was, as Mike Birbiglia puts it best, as if we were holding up two halves of a broken heart. We were both broken with nothing but shards of ourselves to give. And although we weren't asking for much at the time, when things got so serious so quickly it was hard to glue ourselves together into this mosaic of broken pieces. 

But we persevered and he made me happier than anyone ever had.

And I will say I was never good at trusting. Be it the past that not only I went through but what I saw my mom, my sister, my brother, and cousins go through. Or maybe it was the way Tristan was so open about his previous infidelities, almost to a bragging standpoint. Trusting someone with everything made me uneasy. 

People do shitty things to other people. That's life. Protect yourself if you can. 

That was my motto.

I should have waited. I should have waited until I was whole and willing to give all of myself to another person. I should have waited until I could trust again. I also should have waited for a person who could offer me more than broken shards of glass. But life is a learning experience. And I am constantly learning from this every day.

No matter what, I need to be whole for Harper's sake. She needs to have a strong influence. She needs to grow up knowing that you don't necessarily need to have a person to make you whole. But I do want to be able to show her one day, that it's nice to share your value with someone who shares theirs. That's my focus. 

I want to be a role model to her. When she's my age, looking to settle down(or not, you never know) I want her to look back and think about waiting if she feels like there may be some broken pieces there. Teaching her to value herself fully before jumping into anything is my ultimate life goal. 

By doing that, I must learn to value myself first and foremost. 

And I will in due time, I can feel the fire already starting within me, it's a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. And when I finally do feel my worth it's going to be ledgend...

Wait for it...

...(to be continued)

Actions speak louder

I am a little tired of this generation.

We are all talk and zero follow through.

I wish we still lived in a time where people were held accountable for what they say to you. Where a promise is a promise and that is that.

Cut and dry.

Can I get a witness?

Going through a divorce is a rollercoaster, to say the least. Each day is filled with either a new emotion that I didn't know existed or just going back and reliving each moment, trying to pinpoint where exactly things went awry. It's exhausting. But in the midst of all of the exhaustion, I have found that I only believed in the words I was told, when I should've believed the actions I was seeing instead. "I love you's" are just meaningless words without the actions to back them up. I'm not talking huge romantic gestures either, I am talking about something as small as being truthful. Your love goes a lot further when your actions are out of love as well.

I received a text...which, first of all, let me just say, if you're going to text me something"heartfelt" I'm not going to take it to heart or at least not as much as I would if you were to say it to my face but I digress...

So, this text read along the lines of "If I could take this all back, I would. I ruined everything...etc. etc." But I had to step back and really think about the actions that had come before as well as the actions that followed. The actions that accompany this, as well as many texts I've received from Tristan, are the polar opposite from the words I receive. Which is probably the hardest thing to remind myself of when dealing with a person who is so good with their words.

I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a small piece of me wishing he meant those words. I would be lying if I saw the actions change that I wouldn't take him back. If he finally chose family over this new life he's in, without a question I would do whatever it takes. There's just something about the person you share a child with and start a family with. There's something about that bond that makes it next to impossible for one of you to break. 

Why am I holding out for something I know in my heart won't happen?

Why is it so hard for me to see what his actions are screaming in my face?

Each day is a challenge, each conversation we hold is difficult to bear because my head and my heart are constantly at war during every exchange. I feel if I had the words from him to match the actions. If I could hear him say that he chooses her wholeheartedly over his family. I need those words to find closure. I need those words to move forward from the point I am at now.

I need them to silence the tiny glimmer of hope. To put out that light and walk away.

That's all I want. 

I am sad that it's something he refuses to give to me. Maybe because he doesn't know what exactly he wants. But I feel it's so I am always there to him, on a back burner for safe keeping. 

I don't want to be that.

I can't be that.

So, I need to find the strength to find closure on my own. I need to shut that door to keep it from hurting me any further. 

I need my actions to speak louder than his words. 

New isn't always better

Everything is exciting when it's new. When your heart races, your palms sweat, you literally can't even. It's all so exhilarating. 

When you first meet someone, you put on your best face. You make yourself the most perfect 'you' that you can be to impress this other person. You find yourself staying up until the wee hours of the morning, when you value your sleep, just to spend more time talking with that person. You become a sort of "Stepford Wives" prototype of yourself.

We all invest so much of ourselves into the new that once it's over it feels like we've been robbed.

I'm always going to be a romantic. I have always been the 'head in the clouds' girl who's falling too fast. I long for the love letters and spontaneous adventures. For flowers and dates. I am a firm believer that chivalry isn't dead but is few and far between. Chivalry exists especially when everything is new.

But I will never understand people who jump from relationship to relationship. I used to be that way as a teenager and I don't understand why I did it. Was it helping me repress negative feelings I had about myself that would come to light had I been alone? Was I afraid of the person I would be without the influence of another human being? Was it because I didn't want anyone to see the 'real' me so I left before I could chance it?

It's hard to say...

It's been a trying few days. I moved from the apartment Tristan and I shared as a family to my own apartment with Harper. All the while, he moved into his girlfriend's house. I find myself unable to sleep, tossing and turning about things I can't control within my life. Praying that maybe this has all been a nightmare and I'm going to wake up. But I never do and I am hurt that this man couldn't be alone to grieve the ending of a marriage and a family but instead fell into the arms of another woman.

Let me tell you a story...

When I met him, he seemed different than anyone I had ever met. Twenty-nine with a fairly dark past but he was ready to grow up and be committed. He had his priorities in the right place and had a dream that made everyone around him light up. I had never felt more comfortable with another human being in my entire life. I felt I could tell him anything. He was truly my best friend. When Harper came along I wasn't scared because he made me feel so safe, so sure that he only had eyes for me. 

Then we got married and soon after everything changed.

I believe the exact phrase was, "you aren't exciting enough anymore."

I wasn't new enough. 

But new isn't always better, folks.

New is great, don't get me wrong but it's not all it's cracked up to be. Everyone loves new because it's where you see the sunshine. There isn't a cloud in the sky. The forecast never calls for rain. But how can you know who you are, or how you mesh with someone without enduring the storms of life?

How can you expect to endure the storms if you always want for the new?

I don't want to be new. I want to be the person who grows old with someone who dances with me through every drizzle and storm life throws at us.

Life's storms are a beautiful thing. They bring truth, clarity and after a while peace. I feel as if I've been hit by a hurricane but I'm enduring it the best I can with the tools I've been given. I'm trying my best to surround myself with positive influences who share the same values as myself. I am trying and trying to be better for me and for Harper and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Every time I'm kicked to the ground, somehow I find the strength to get back up.

It's hard.

But I know at the end of this storm the clouds are going to break and the sky is going to be so clear and I'm going to know why I had to struggle so hard for so long before my rainbow appeared. 

That's something I have to remind myself of daily.

In the end, he can have his new, and his newer, and his newest. He can feel unfulfilled by person after person because of the storms he's unwilling to weather. He can have that. Because I'm going to know what it looks like on the other side of the storm, looking at the challenges I've faced and I'll feel peace. 

That's when I'll finally be free.

**Full disclosure: I wrote this at 4am while I couldn't sleep so if it doesn't make sense that's probably why.**

Everything happens for a reason...

Everything happens for a reason. That's what everyone has been telling me since day one.

And for the first time, I am starting to believe that.

I wasn't meant to be in an unhappy marriage. I wasn't meant to live a life like that. I was meant to learn exactly what I don't want from a marriage and to do that, I needed to be married to everything I didn't need. I needed to learn that trust and respect shouldn't be hard to receive from someone who loves you unconditionally and that yes, marriage is a difficult thing to do but the good moments should always outweigh the bad.

The person I've been is not the person I am. That person was a result of this learning experience. She is cold and rude. She couldn't see a silver lining to save her life. She found comfort in throwing her own personal pity party for everything she had been through. That, "woe is me" attitude is not who I am...

Today has been a great day. From the moment my feet hit the floor this morning, I have been thankful for everything that's happened. This is honestly the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I get a do over, I get a do over with new found knowledge of everything I don't want. Yes, starting over is scary and extremely difficult with a child but this isn't going to keep me from taking the next step toward the life I deserve. Trust and love are two things that won't be handed out easily by me anymore but I'm not going to let this make me cynical. Like I've said before, I wan't this to hoist me up into being the best version of me.

This has all happened for a reason.

So, after five months of beating myself up over something I couldn't change, being angry about not being enough, I realized that this is all just one small piece of a larger picture.

Sleeping alone will get easier and easier to do. Living like this has already started to become habit. I no longer leave the door unlocked or expect to see him come home as I'm getting ready for bed. The ghosts of those moments still appear from time to time but it's less and less damaging every time. I no longer feel the urge to text him with new and exciting news, he's no longer my person. And soon, I will have a tiny funeral in my mind for the memories that existed and the person who I once knew.

This was not meant to be. And I'm okay with it.

So, I'll remove the "break up mix" from the car, turn on a playlist that gives me life, and move on.

I'll share with you one of my favorite quotes at the moment:
"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is pulling you back with difficulties, that means you're about to be launched into something great. So, focus and keep aiming."

I can't wait to see what happens next.