Wait for it...

Waiting.

What a concept. 

The simple yet complex nature of this action has me amazed every day.

My impatience will be the death of me. More often than not, I'm always jumping into something, not weighing out the consequences, etc, etc, etc. But even now, in what should be the most impatient time in my life. The final countdown, if you will, to moving on with someone new. But I am perfectly content with waiting.

I say this, mainly, because I took a vow, one that doesn't really mean much anymore, but a vow nonetheless. To be faithful and honest. And if I'm being honest, that vow is what is keeping me sane. That useless vow is what is keeping my head on my shoulders. Plus, I want to start a relationship based on honesty. I want to start a relationship knowing I'm not currently bound to someone else, no matter what they've done to me. 

Above all, I want to end this marriage knowing that I was faithful 100%. 

I want to make it out with worth in myself.

The first step to self worth is not jumping into bed with the first person to make eyes at you. It's searching deep within to really find what you're, not only, looking for in a partner but what you are willing to offer to someone as well. At this moment in my life, I have very little to offer. I am in no place to give myself to anyone because I would be asking for so much with only small broken pieces to give in return. Entering a relationship at this time would be unfair to everyone involved.

Wait for it.

I feel like this may be a huge reason why Tristan and I didn't work. When we met, I had recently split from my on again, off again, boyfriend/fiancé. We were a disaster four years in the making but Tristan was a dark and broken person too. Hearing stories of what he had been through and put others through as well as the stories of my sullied past, it was, as Mike Birbiglia puts it best, as if we were holding up two halves of a broken heart. We were both broken with nothing but shards of ourselves to give. And although we weren't asking for much at the time, when things got so serious so quickly it was hard to glue ourselves together into this mosaic of broken pieces. 

But we persevered and he made me happier than anyone ever had.

And I will say I was never good at trusting. Be it the past that not only I went through but what I saw my mom, my sister, my brother, and cousins go through. Or maybe it was the way Tristan was so open about his previous infidelities, almost to a bragging standpoint. Trusting someone with everything made me uneasy. 

People do shitty things to other people. That's life. Protect yourself if you can. 

That was my motto.

I should have waited. I should have waited until I was whole and willing to give all of myself to another person. I should have waited until I could trust again. I also should have waited for a person who could offer me more than broken shards of glass. But life is a learning experience. And I am constantly learning from this every day.

No matter what, I need to be whole for Harper's sake. She needs to have a strong influence. She needs to grow up knowing that you don't necessarily need to have a person to make you whole. But I do want to be able to show her one day, that it's nice to share your value with someone who shares theirs. That's my focus. 

I want to be a role model to her. When she's my age, looking to settle down(or not, you never know) I want her to look back and think about waiting if she feels like there may be some broken pieces there. Teaching her to value herself fully before jumping into anything is my ultimate life goal. 

By doing that, I must learn to value myself first and foremost. 

And I will in due time, I can feel the fire already starting within me, it's a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. And when I finally do feel my worth it's going to be ledgend...

Wait for it...

...(to be continued)