Everything happens for a reason...

Everything happens for a reason. That's what everyone has been telling me since day one.

And for the first time, I am starting to believe that.

I wasn't meant to be in an unhappy marriage. I wasn't meant to live a life like that. I was meant to learn exactly what I don't want from a marriage and to do that, I needed to be married to everything I didn't need. I needed to learn that trust and respect shouldn't be hard to receive from someone who loves you unconditionally and that yes, marriage is a difficult thing to do but the good moments should always outweigh the bad.

The person I've been is not the person I am. That person was a result of this learning experience. She is cold and rude. She couldn't see a silver lining to save her life. She found comfort in throwing her own personal pity party for everything she had been through. That, "woe is me" attitude is not who I am...

Today has been a great day. From the moment my feet hit the floor this morning, I have been thankful for everything that's happened. This is honestly the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I get a do over, I get a do over with new found knowledge of everything I don't want. Yes, starting over is scary and extremely difficult with a child but this isn't going to keep me from taking the next step toward the life I deserve. Trust and love are two things that won't be handed out easily by me anymore but I'm not going to let this make me cynical. Like I've said before, I wan't this to hoist me up into being the best version of me.

This has all happened for a reason.

So, after five months of beating myself up over something I couldn't change, being angry about not being enough, I realized that this is all just one small piece of a larger picture.

Sleeping alone will get easier and easier to do. Living like this has already started to become habit. I no longer leave the door unlocked or expect to see him come home as I'm getting ready for bed. The ghosts of those moments still appear from time to time but it's less and less damaging every time. I no longer feel the urge to text him with new and exciting news, he's no longer my person. And soon, I will have a tiny funeral in my mind for the memories that existed and the person who I once knew.

This was not meant to be. And I'm okay with it.

So, I'll remove the "break up mix" from the car, turn on a playlist that gives me life, and move on.

I'll share with you one of my favorite quotes at the moment:
"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is pulling you back with difficulties, that means you're about to be launched into something great. So, focus and keep aiming."

I can't wait to see what happens next.