I'm not a huge theater buff by any means. I have about a handful of shows that I like to listen to in the car on my way to work or while I clean the house.
The Last Five Years is one of my favorites.
I know most of you know the premise of L5Y, but for those who don't, it's a show about a five year relationship(which ends in divorce) told backward and forward from both the husband and wife's point of view. Cathy tells her side of the story from the end to the beginning and Jamie tells his side from the beginning to the end. It's full of all of the struggles relationships go through and most importantly, it shows both sides of Jamie's infidelity. If you haven't seen it, there is a film version starring Anna Kendrick and Jeremy Jordan that is incredible. It's been my go-to movie for the past six months.
Knowing that, you can now understand how I can relate to this beautiful show so much.
There's a song in the show, called The Schmuel Song, that Jamie sings to Cathy that is ultimately about getting out of your own head, following your heart and doing what you want. Near the end of the song Jamie sings, "Take a breath, take a step, take a chance...take your time..."and those words have been repeating in my brain all morning.
Take a breath- I feel like I need to remember to breathe through everything that's happening. It's hard to not let things get me heated, seeing pictures of the two of them pop up on my newsfeed on Facebook, hearing their "celebrity couple name" from people(like, please...c'mon), thinking about the things he's probably saying to her and how they are the exact same things he said to me just a couple years ago. Moments like this, when I lose sight of what I can control, I need to take a breath. Step back and think about how much better this is.
Take a step- at this point, a step in any direction is positive. But the act of simply taking steps is what is difficult. Some days I still feel like I'm in this dream like haze that I'm going to wake up from. So, it makes me nervous to take a step forward, for fear I may ruin something that isn't meant to be ruined. And other days, the sheer idea of moving forward, going into an unknown territory, finding out who I am, sends my anxiety skyrocketing through the atmosphere. But I need to do it. I can't expect to be anything until I take those steps toward becoming who I am supposed to be. Again, it's a control thing. I can't control what's going to happen when I move forward and that's terrifying.
Take a chance- this is the hopeful part. Letting go of the things I can't control is taking a chance. I don't have to dive head first into the deep end but I do need to wade into deeper waters. I need to know that at some point, my feet won't be able to feel the bottom and I'll have to hold myself up and know I'll be okay. That's what taking chances is all about. Trusting that even if the outcome isn't what I want, that I'll be okay regardless. It's being aware of how much a situation could ruin you and going for it anyway.
Take your time- My best friend, Kristin, who has been there for me through all of this. This beautiful woman is everything to me. She's my voice of reason, my shoulder to cry on, my rock. She told me the other day that the beauty of this situation is I have nothing but time and I couldn't agree with her more. There is no deadline to figuring out who Jessica is, no time restraint on deciding what makes me happy and achieving that. I have nothing but time. Nothing but time to find out what I'm looking for in someone else. I don't have to dive in head first because I've got time to wade, to decide at my own pace when I want to enter the deep end. It's my choice when to ditch these floaties. I get to take my time to grieve, to take the next step, and move on.
These words are going to become my new mantra. I will do my absolute best to live by these words everyday and even once this is over, once I'm finally out of "Klimovich", I want to continue to live by this.
Take a breath, take a step, take a chance...take your time.
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