And sometimes Taylor Swift lyrics speak volumes

I love music. Who doesn't love music? I find that music has gotten me through the darkest times of my life. And now, music has been here to rescue me. 

I literally just got done listening to the song "Change" by Taylor Swift(no judgement) about 5 times. When it came on shuffle the first time, it brought the biggest tears of joy to my eyes and then I had to put it on repeat. 

Lyrics. Lyrics are amazing and powerful and can say everything you're feeling so you don't have to. Lyrics have been there when I honestly couldn't even begin to find the words. It's amazing how that happens. 

This will be a short post. I just wanted to share the lyrics of this inspiring song that happened to come on shuffle at the perfect time in my life, I kid you not I haven't even listened to this song in over two years. But tonight, there it was, saying everything I want to say. So, here's the lyrics because I don't think I'll ever be able to think of anything better and that's okay...

It's a sad picture, the final blow hits you.

Somebody else gets what you wanted again.

You know it's all the same, another time and place.

Repeating history and you're getting sick of it.

But I believe in whatever you do and I'll do anything to see it through because these things will change.

Can you feel it now? 

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down.

It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win.

And we'll sing hallelujah.

So we've been outnumbered.

Raided and now cornered.

It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair.

But we're getting stronger now, find things they never found.

They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared.

We can walk away, say we don't need this but there's something in your eyes that says we can beat this.

These things will change.

Can you feel it now? 

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down.

It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win.

And we'll sing hallelujah.

Tonight we'll stand, get off our knees.

Fight for what we've worked for all these years.

And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives but we'll stand up champions tonight.

It was the night things changed.

Can you see it now?

Those walls that they put up to hold us back fell down.

It was a revolution, throw your hands up cause we never gave in.

And we sang hallelujah...

Late night life lessons from one Ted Mosby

God, I love Ted Mosby.

His life lessons are always so timely. 

Last night, the episode "Happily Ever After" was the first episode I tuned on and if you haven't seen the episode(don't even get me started if you haven't seen the show) I'll give you a quick run down:

In the previous episode, Ted is left at the altar by his fiancé, Stella, for the father of her daughter, Tony. This episode starts out with the gang getting upset with Ted for not being upset over his break up with Stella. They decide to go out to dinner and Ted pulls out a map of "red zones" which are areas in New York that he fears he might run into her. They wind up going to a restaurant Lily suggests when Stella walks in, Ted promptly hides under the table so she doesn't see him, which gets the gang talking about the last person they want to see. Anyway, Ted realizes all his friends are haunted by problems in their past, but it isn't too late for him to face up to his. He decides to talk to Stella, but finds she has already left. They hail a cab and follow her, but Ted still refuses to get angry, and instead wants to talk things out, despite protests from his friends. When they realize Stella is going to Tony's apartment instead of back to New Jersey, he is enraged that she wouldn't move into the city for him, but would for Tony. Finally, Ted unleashes his emotions, and his overjoyed friends cheer him on. Ted imagines himself confronting Stella, telling her she made the wrong choice and should have been with him, as Tony will only let her down again. When he actually goes to talk to her, however, he sees her and Tony with their daughter, and decides that they were meant to be a family, his anger quickly subsiding. Future Ted announces that rather than swallowing your anger, or throwing it in someone's face, the best idea is to simply let it go, so you can move on. Finally, Ted gets rid of his map, so he can get on with his life.

Let that sink in:

"Rather than swallowing your anger, or throwing it in someone's face, the best idea is to simply let it go, so you can move on."

I'm having a rough time controlling my anger toward Tristan. I'm angry because the divorce isn't final yet he's been running around town with a girlfriend. I'm angry because I feel like I got a raw deal in this situation. I'm young, pretty, smart, funny but I'm also utterly broken over a person who is doing just fine. I find myself texting him rude remarks(because we never see each other) and saying things that are downright mean.

It doesn't make me feel better, honestly, it makes me feel worse. Like I'm stuck in this whirlwind of emotions that I can't seem to get a handle on. It feels like pergatory. My heart hurts, I can't sleep, I can't really eat, all because I'm angry at everything he has done. My heart wants him to hurt as bad as he made me hurt but my mind says otherwise. My heart is totally an irrational teenager...my brain is definitely the mom. 

I feel like when I first started saying hateful things, it was justified. I felt I had to get it out of my system. I felt I couldn't repress these feelings any longer. I felt my only other option was to "throw them in his face" when really I should have stepped back and thought about the joy that comes in letting it go.

It's hard because when you choose to start a life with someone you make a conscious decision that you aren't going to have to weed through the jerks and the weirdos in the dating pool. You found your person. Which, in everyone's mind, is awesome. When you have kids, 9 times out of 10 you don't have to worry about trying to find someone someday while you have a child because the person you made that child with will always be there. 

Sometimes, that just doesn't happen.

Life isn't that simple.

I need to learn to let this go. It's doing nothing but hurting me by being angry all of the time about something that is completely out of my control. I also can't live in a world where everyday I hope karma gets him because that's still bringing me down. Because by thinking he will get his, I am holding onto everything that happened, all of the resentment and disgust and it feels terrible inside. 

Let it go...

By letting go, I can free my mind from the shackles of this situation(see #4 in the previous post) I have to let it go to not let it define me. I have to stop being the girl who only talks about what happened. By letting go, I can be me again and I know, that in letting go, I will feel better than I ever have over these past two and a half years. 

Letting this go will be a difficult task as we have a child together and he will never fully be out of my life. He will always be the father of my child and the reason I am able to have Harper to wake up to every morning. I'm thankful for that. Letting it go, in this situation, won't be acting as if it didn't happen but instead will be facing what happened and choosing to not let it burden me or control my life. 

This whole episode definitely makes me think of the "Pit Guy" life lesson but I'll save that for another post...

Thank you, Ted Mosby, for having such apt life lessons to teach me at 11:30pm. 

Welcome to 24(it's been waiting for you)

Well, I made it! Level 24. What a ride it's been this far. 

So, in turning the page on 23, I went out and celebrated with some new and old friends last night and it was much needed. 

At one point, we all decided to make predictions on what I was going to do in my 24th year being alive. Some were a little nuts(skydiving?! Ahh) and others were just hilarious(crashing a wedding) but it really got me thinking about what want to do for myself over the next twelve months. 

So, I compiled a list.

1. I want to go back to school. Get my head back in the game toward a teaching degree and really buckle down with my education. I always saw myself as an elementary teacher and over the years I have put my dream on the back burner to give priority to other aspects of my life but now I'm ready to make myself a priority. Which brings me to number 2.

2. Don't forget to have a good time. I have given up on a lot of things over the past couple years to start a family and though I love my daughter with everything I have, I gave up on making me happy. I let go of being silly and creative and most importantly, I gave up on making myself smile. this year I want to get that back.

3. Surround myself with people who are supportive of my dreams and goals and vice versa. It's hard to follow your dreams when you feel like no one is really rooting for you to win. Not that they're rooting for you to loose but they're just sort of indifferent when it comes to your dreams. I am guilty of doing this myself. I am a mother so I have this automatic "mother knows best" mentality about everyone and everything and I think that's because I haven't surrounded myself with many people who lift each other up. I want to step away from "knowing best" and devoting myself to other humans that know what they want and can support me for knowing what I want.

4. This one is going to be tough...I don't want to let the past define me. I want to end my 24th year knowing that I have faced and forgiven all of my demons. I want to make peace with the past and not let it define the person I am but instead let it help hoist me up into being the best version of myself I could ever be. 23 was a hard year full of betrayal and huge life changes, this is my baggage I will carry around with me for the rest of my life but it's not something that will make me who I am, it will be something to show others how well I can overcome life's obstacles.

And last but not least...

5. I want love. Honest to goodness love. Heart bursting at the seams, love you even when I hate you, let you have that last slice of pizza love. I want to meet someone who I don't have to change me to fit in with. Someone who can look at my flaws, and the baggage I carry and will think I am perfectly imperfect. A lot of this will also be about me also learning to love myself because no one can love me unless I love me(that's been my major downfall for years) Being number 5 on the list means it's not a priority to be achieved by the time I turn 25, you can't put a deadline on love. But it's an all around life goal for me. 

I am very glad for the friends I already have and the ones I have yet to meet and to those of you who decided to step off of the ride at 23, I'm sorry but 24 is where it really gets good. ;)

Life...as I know it

I feel like a failure.

But I am not.

A lot of 24 year olds aren't settled in their lives. There's so much life left to live but in some sense I have failed at the life I chose for myself, which is why I'm here, writing this for the world to read.

Okay, I think mostly I am just embarrassed.

I am embarrassed that my parents paid a lot of money for me to get married only to have the marriage end in divorce a little over a year later. I'm embarrassed for being so naive about a man I had only just met. I am embarrassed when I walk around town because I know how many people are talking behind my back.

Some people aren't compatible. Some people want stability and comfort while others strive for adventure and the unknown. I am the former, he the ladder. It just doesn't work. On top of that, we are always changing, always evolving into different versions of ourselves, better or worse. You could meet someone and know their soul and in two years look at the same person with no idea who they are. That is just life. And I'm learning. 

As for being a 24 year old single mom. I'm okay with it, it wasn't my first choice when I was fourteen and thinking where I'd be in ten years but it's where my path has led. The main concern I have with my life is being enough for this tiny person. If I wasn't enough for an adult person, what makes me think I can be enough to her? That one keeps me up most nights. But I'm figuring it out. I'll get there in due time.

But enough with the sob story...

Mike Birbiglia said once, "I think serious situations make for the best kind of belly laughs but they are also the hardest to convert into comedy on the outset." So, that's what I'm doing, that's the endgame: To take this situation and let it bring me the happiest moments of my life. It's going to be hard and it's going to be mostly an uphill battle but damnit anyway if I'm not going to try to find the humor in all of this! Thanks for joining me on this journey as I publicly figure out just what the hell I'm doing and try to make it funny along the way.