Actions speak louder

I am a little tired of this generation.

We are all talk and zero follow through.

I wish we still lived in a time where people were held accountable for what they say to you. Where a promise is a promise and that is that.

Cut and dry.

Can I get a witness?

Going through a divorce is a rollercoaster, to say the least. Each day is filled with either a new emotion that I didn't know existed or just going back and reliving each moment, trying to pinpoint where exactly things went awry. It's exhausting. But in the midst of all of the exhaustion, I have found that I only believed in the words I was told, when I should've believed the actions I was seeing instead. "I love you's" are just meaningless words without the actions to back them up. I'm not talking huge romantic gestures either, I am talking about something as small as being truthful. Your love goes a lot further when your actions are out of love as well.

I received a text...which, first of all, let me just say, if you're going to text me something"heartfelt" I'm not going to take it to heart or at least not as much as I would if you were to say it to my face but I digress...

So, this text read along the lines of "If I could take this all back, I would. I ruined everything...etc. etc." But I had to step back and really think about the actions that had come before as well as the actions that followed. The actions that accompany this, as well as many texts I've received from Tristan, are the polar opposite from the words I receive. Which is probably the hardest thing to remind myself of when dealing with a person who is so good with their words.

I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a small piece of me wishing he meant those words. I would be lying if I saw the actions change that I wouldn't take him back. If he finally chose family over this new life he's in, without a question I would do whatever it takes. There's just something about the person you share a child with and start a family with. There's something about that bond that makes it next to impossible for one of you to break. 

Why am I holding out for something I know in my heart won't happen?

Why is it so hard for me to see what his actions are screaming in my face?

Each day is a challenge, each conversation we hold is difficult to bear because my head and my heart are constantly at war during every exchange. I feel if I had the words from him to match the actions. If I could hear him say that he chooses her wholeheartedly over his family. I need those words to find closure. I need those words to move forward from the point I am at now.

I need them to silence the tiny glimmer of hope. To put out that light and walk away.

That's all I want. 

I am sad that it's something he refuses to give to me. Maybe because he doesn't know what exactly he wants. But I feel it's so I am always there to him, on a back burner for safe keeping. 

I don't want to be that.

I can't be that.

So, I need to find the strength to find closure on my own. I need to shut that door to keep it from hurting me any further. 

I need my actions to speak louder than his words.